After receiving an amusing email from good ol’ Stu I decided to to use the information to give a page to the man of Legends………………….

CHUCK NORRIS

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris can pee into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t f*ck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realised the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72-oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris “Chick Norris”. He explained it was an honest mistake and apologised profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy’s wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Jesus’s Birthday isn’t December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting because “hunting” implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average room there are 1,242 objects that Chuck can use to kill you, including the room itself.

The popular video game “Doom” is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed $2 from Chuck and forgot to pay him back.

Crop circles are Chuck’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down

Chuck can divide by Zero

When Chuck jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.

Chuck isn’t lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit.

Chuck has two speeds: walk and kill

On his birthday, Chuck randomly selects one lucky child to be round house kicked into the sun.

When Chuck does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he is pushing the earth down.

Chuck invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light, except pink, Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck coined the phrase, “I could eat a horse” after he had eaten every unicorn in existence.

The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was finally solved when Chuck punched himself in the face.

Hear it from the man himself……..

Click here for more Chuck Shinanigans or click here for Chuck’s offical website